It was many years ago,
  In that now coloured school,
Where my person lived true
  And for someone I'd drool
One I knew not and have never met
  Yet their looks had me struck
Years where I had that type
  Years before I knew it would suck
She had the cute tomboy look
  Her short hair inspired much confidence
And little confidence I had in me
  As I never approached her in my incompetence.

It was many years ago,
  In that now coloured school,
Where I'd have this for someone
  Feelings for who I hadn't met — What a fool!
Yet I miss that fool
  I miss the innocence and naivety of it all
I'd dream of heart ablaze
  This, before I'd seen Your flowery wall
Long before I did wrong,
  Long before that February
Where my heart chased wrongfully
  Towards your lies confectionery.

She was 2 years below me,
  In that now coloured school,
Time was against me to move
  Yet I moved not from my stool
But sat admiring her, quietly
  Would I still write today?
If I had gained the strength
  For my feelings to convey
Would this day be any different?
  This everyday of loveless numb
This everyday fool me
  Of being all glum.

~~ Before 2016 (to edit) ~~

This midnight is cause for celebration
  Cause against your infamous isolation
Time to put up the yearly traits
  And party and drink with the mates

Happy New Year!
  To there and here!
And a big 'Fuck You' to only You
  —— My dear.

~~ New Year ~~

Youth of mine
 Cherish me these losses
 At every midnight's pauses
Youth sublime
 Have me weep in mind
 Beyond these orbs unkind
Divergent innocent you
who lived true and through

~~ Weep for Me ~~

It's been many Falls ago,
 Where we met on screens,
You and I smiled upon each other
 sharing mundane routines,
No day would pass by without us
 foolishly sharing cuisines
Foolish fool me
 in my pitiful teens.

I loved you,
 Thought we matched a pair
But in routines I turned blind,
 Grown blissfully unaware
As you kept me in your pocket
 and relished in your affair.

It's been many Falls ago,
 Since the night of hurt,
The night he raised in blindness
 and my world he subvert,
No day passes by me
 where I wish I had not flirt.

More so I linger unanswered:
 "Where did I do wrong?";
Today I still hurt:
 "Was I no one all along?";
With piles of emotions strong
 This mask I still prolong,
Perhaps in this I belong.

Yet how can I when I'd felt it,
 Felt the warmth of your soul,
As you blinked your bewitching skies,
 My hole had turned whole.

How many more Falls since then
 will I remain impaired?
With a thought erratic so wrong
 since the Fall you dared,
No longer do I know myself,
 an end to routines shared,
No longer can I think or write
 since He aired,
Who is this foolish one?
 Babbling despaired.
——Loved and lost as this script
 of love and loss.

~~ Misguided ~~

I dislike people
I dislike showing my skin
Hiding expressions within
So I don't see people

I meet people in a screen
There I don't show my hurt
Easier for truth to divert
So I'm not seen as a machine

Though I've grown tired
Tired of chatting dim
But it's hard to be Him
With its heart hardwired

So I need none of it
No mask with emotion
No fingers in motion.

~~ Log out ~~

Come to me where we're real
Come touch me where we feel
The clock ticks forever here
Its pointers care not if you're near.

The streets here are limitless too
Plenty of places for us two
I can caress you here much more
Hurry now and make your debut

Move away
Away from whom herds sheep
Creep delicately onto my bed
To where you endlessly have me weep
And mislead me no more in my sleep.

~~ Dream II ~~

The flood is seen no more
Away forever as you swore
No drenched night in sight
As you've found the light

No more flood to drown
Not one dawn to frown
But a smile you flaunt
Towards its miserable jaunt

Now crystal clear foundation
You fight your situation
Against this vile nation
Who dislikes your generation

Worry not — keep the troubles at bay
Rise your head high everyday
For this society we shall own
Just you know you're not alone.

~~ Kaiya ~~

Let it flow — this current
Have it flow like Ermelo
—My red river recurrent
Ease the mind of this fellow

My peaceful warm stream
Of fine blissful red wine
—Towards a joyful extreme
I once more incline.

~~ Red Stream ~~

I like my bed
It always comforted me
Never done me wrong

I enjoy its softness
So I stay on it
It's better than the
Harshness of reality

I'm happy with its dreams
They provide me worlds
Where I am not judged
Nor am I imprisoned

I like to lay here
And when I'm gone
—It will be in this bed.

~~ Sweet Rest ~~

Question
Reflection
Question
Reflection

Maybe an answer—
Not to this cancer.

~~ Smooth Black Silk ~~

The irritating loud static—
Can you not hear it too?
This noise so sporadic
goes with me like the flu.

Worried colleagues are talking—
Can you not hear them either?
This noise that is stalking
is one ear reaper.

The covering grayscale around—
Can you see it as well?
This monotony so profound
where I reside as one cell.

Soon it will all be alright
as from these I now depart—
Gray leaves my weakened sight
and static goes my heart.

~~ Monotonous Harm ~~

White as you've been—
made a new friend under new skin
with one whom I've not been
nor would I ever have seen.

Blue as you've been—
stabbed heartless with your sin
by one whom I've not been
nor would I ever have seen.

Black, as fool's disguise—
ally of the two to my despise,
darkened my eyes in between
for whom I'd never seen.

Yet in this dark, I now see—
for there is other White to be,
the one who'll set me free,
away from whom I now have seen.

~~ Cryptic Lover ~~

Another deadline season comes;
another season for me to fret;
My heart once more succumbs
despite it not being Fall yet.

I hate this kind of feel
but I love it as well,
it makes my head squeal
but it makes my heart compel.

I hate these nights uneasy
but love these nights teary,
they make me feel queasy
but of feeling I'm not weary.

It's bigger than that Fall
where numbness in me dyed,
bigger than that thrall
where the heart in me died.

I love this season;
I love these days;
where I break to treason
with my heart ablaze.

~~ Deadline Season ~~

Wingless bird
be not afraid
wings thou need not

Vivid skies
art mere dreams
o' the free

Hereupon you are free
for thou can dream
O so vividly

~~ Wingless Bird ~~

It is hopeless, is it not?
In all my effort and time
I remain impaired, in a trot
with this thing I forever mime

Despite my many stories in life
It is This I relent, my one strife;
This same old Thing that sticks
From all Things, This — has no fix;

For years I swim in this commotion
It is rather humorous — my devotion;
This love to which I punish me for
This one I do, more and more;

These have not been distinctive;
These have all been predictive;
It may be so this is merely me
A repetitive being of high degree

So I shall take this defeat
Once more I shall repeat
this thing who in me grew
—This thing of you.

~~ Poetic Affliction ~~

I had a marvelous dream last night,
a dream where everything was right,
I laid in bed and I was not alone;
laid there with her, the one you've known,
we stared at one another and we smiled,
as I stared lower I saw her with child—
It all felt very real and I too could feel
with a ring on my finger there was no one to steal,
the future I held dear, the one with you here
it was all true once more, a life of no drear—
How I long to live in that dream,
in my head lies such internal scream,
how I long to kiss your luscious lips
and to look at your heavenly hips.
Instead I wake to this nightmare everyday,
this nightmare where you didn't stay.

~~ Dream I ~~

Why are you so unfair?
You, who made me despair
Whereas I was but a spare
Left speechless after your scare
Broken hearted with your affair
Where in bed you laid bare--
There, laid a new pair
One could not compare
My emotional flare
In rage I had tear
My own only chair
That truth I could not bear
With my heart beyond repair
The new pair I had my glare
Came with a plan so rare
To accept that fresh air
Yet pain was in its ware
Danger laid upon my hair
As I loved without a care
Came to reason in my fare
Of this plan - so impair
In my numbness I left from there
Against danger I now beware
Now, I must prepare
New beginnings I must dare
For my freedom to declare.

~~ Hurtful Self-deceit ~~

In this chat lies tranquility,
with peaceful discussions on Torn
and its elegant civility
lies this old norm

Within it Cartis, the artist
paints chat so vividly
of his nudes we harvest
so timidly

But in comes disturbance
a trickster of bad fame
one of much perturbance
Lost-Soul is his name

Now this chat breathes stupidity,
with raging discussions on pizza
and its pineapple validity
lies this new Srebrenica

~~ Pineapple Pizza : A Group Joke ~~

Does living hurt?
A life of expectations
From dreams to divert
Following obligations

Do emotions hurt?
My automaton soul
Let gears convert
For tears to stroll

Let me feel my pain
One so strong I contain
And take me away
To live longer I disobey

~~ Let Me Feel and Be Gone At Once ~~

The board had been complete,
against life I had mate in two,
but my opponent so discreet,
my elegant queen it withdrew.

I'm lost since your flee,
unable to take my turn,
this could be my debris,
one to my life's discern.

My board's hues now none,
every piece feels the same,
with its mate in one
lies my crown in frame.

Without you I take this step,
from this board forever swept.

~~ Checkmate ~~

Kept my promise to you all this time
I've fell for no one else but you
Loved you despite your crime
Loved you when you were untrue

My heart's still a void
Entranced as I was toyed

~~ LMFYFW ~~

Am I the only one who doesn't understand humans?
What is so special about their activities?
Traveling, festivals, friendly meetups.
None of these I understand, the excitement they rile up,
they plan out days with a happy face of one golden retriever.

Since my childhood, I have never had an interest in any of it,
not to learn an instrument, not to go out with friends.
What is it that I should care so much about these?
What is the point of watching time waste by in these meetups?
What is so exciting about plants and grass in a park?

Yet, that works for other humans.
In every single person lies plenty of activities for them to enjoy.
Where are mine? Where are the little details that wake me?

I despise this, how come I don't share these same interests?
Why are they a waste of energy and time? No values in sight.
As I've grown all I've learned is my disinterest too has grown.

The moments I genuinely enjoyed drawing, where have they gone?
Why is it I don't draw? No income? No exposure?
I'm unhappy with my reasoning, one of no thought to my feelings,
one of a machine's, calculating the goods of each thing, soulless.

Then you came in, you who made me so conscious about this.
You who made me write if just about you and for no one to see.

~~ Apathetic ~~

I no longer recall your hair,
as long smooth black silk rare.
I no longer recall your eyes,
captivating dark brown skies.

I do not remember your lips,
refined glossy blush grips.
I do not remember your accent,
kindly soft angelic ascent.

I've forgotten the nights of our calls,
can no longer see your flowery walls.
I've forgotten the name of your town,
Kilmarnock, no longer to be around.

No longer do I care about your friend
nor when you first walked in his house
as you both gossiped on your sex suspend,
not even his drugs gave me any doubts.

I haven't noticed you cut your hair short,
nor did I notice the nose ring you escort.
Alas, even your wedding ring I did miss,
nickel-free, to your allergy's dismiss.

I do not mind the surname you now bear,
nor the betrayal behind my back.
I do not mind the hurt of your affair,
nor my life's alternative track.

Someday, I won't recall any of it
and you won't matter at all.

~~ Someday ~~

In this planet I reside, a machine,
following those of whom I must please.
Within this monotonous routine,
it is my emotions I carry to freeze.

~~ Machine ~~

This delightful garden of mine
surrounds me a charming coloration,
a scenery to me of noble design,
forever grants me this observation.

Upon me shine these blooms,
dahlias, courageously prismatic,
heathers, my heart's perfumes,
thistles, compel me ecstatic.

Yet upon me they too are sorrow,
in dahlias lie your bravery,
heathers, the scent they borrow
thistles, long gone our savory.

Nevertheless, a garden I adore,
one for you I've grown for.

~~ Garden ~~

Three thousand kilometers away and even now you remain,
I can't rest on my pillow, it reminds me of our reign,
you're in my dreams when I sleep and in my thoughts when I wake,
I can't face my reflection for its smile is fake.
Why am I like this when you no longer should retain?

The days are bright as your smile, you were always around,
between classes we'd text and in photos we'd drown,
now my clock ticks but its time is meaningless,
I won't ever forget the day of you leaving us.

The nights reek of your scent, you would always call,
you would show me your face and my heart would stall,
now I'm lonely and in the darkness I cry,
I won't ever forget the night of your lie.

~~ Day and Night ~~

Tonight I sit by my desktop
sipping my gin tonic nonstop
with my distant pals present,
this night may be pleasant.

On this night much debonair,
plenty activities in the air,
many surprises, many giggles,
and here am I, in my riddles.

No matter how drunk and dark,
I remain forever marked,
on my wall, you cast your shadow,
and my heart grows sallow.

~~ Disruptive ~~

With lies unfolded,
my bliss had moulded.
From swindler concoction,
my heart was poison.

Came with a theory,
one so prepostorus,
it turned me teary.

A reality so twisted,
of reason blacklisted,
a treacherous embrace,
to my health's disgrace.

Today I am numb,
live with no cure,
thus I drink rum,
my heart's detour.

~~ Numb ~~

In my desk at night I sit, alone and distressed I whimper
"My heart is but split!, hence I cannot simper.
This half, poised to new beginnings for its left unfulfilled,
but the other, fearful for the past whom hurt instilled."

The radiant moon shines atrociously bright,
as atrocious as the shadow of tonight,
the one who nests my head,
and swiftly poisons me dread.

Frozen in this night I remain,
devoid of cure and motion,
with my hands left to sprain,
I write to you in devotion.

~~ Tyne ~~

What if I tried something new?
A writing of marvelous fiction and not you?
No mind to slavery, no feels to strew,
only that and no eyes to tear through.

A story of mystery and horror,
the protagonist one valiant explorer,
chasing a shadow before her.

Yet I already know,
in my story you will flow,
in her shadow you will grow,
and my heart you will tow.

~~ Unwritten Story ~~

This feeling won't go away,
this soul will not change,
my heart's been led astray
and my head gone strange.

Though I'm opposed to drugs,
I'm addicted to your hugs,
while it is all in thought,
your warmth's brought.

Alone and from this world exile,
only you could make me smile,
such was when you were near,
now you're never here.

You, is what I seemingly scream,
but the reader unknown of your scheme,
It is not the invidual I miss
but the pre-betrayal that was bliss.

Our mutual feeling of trust
that was all so robust,
all gone since for him you've lust,
and I — you've let rust.

Our mutual feeling of solace
that was all so flawless,
now broken to no repair;
All gone since your affair.

Help me! For many Falls have passed
and I remain stuck living in that blast,
this heart of mine, still deep in this abyss
where I relive all these emotions I miss.

Tell me, how do I stop this past one I mourn?
The one for which my heart has sworn.
How do I feel for another?
When she taught me to feel for no other.

~~ Conflicted Misery ~~

Numb all that I feel
As no hurt will heal
Drown me in mead
So I will be freed.

No anger, no tears
A world of no fears
My vision all coloured
From the tall glass covered.

Take me back home
Within pink walls to roam
With innocence and pride
Lives young me, inside.

Exciting skills to grow
For my parents to show
Whereof life was gentle
Whereas I, happy, not mental.

"Ah!" — yet in my drowsiness you still remain!
No mistaking, a resemblance like no other,
The long-haired shadow is what I see —
"Bartender, pour me another,
From her I must flee!"

~~ Alcohol Rush ~~

If only I could release a desperate stressing scream,
but I'm not alone and I was taught to keep quiet,
and I am better off speechless, only this way can I stay away from their anger.

Instead I scream inside,
where only my thoughts disturb me.

~~ Silent ~~

Hatred, a heavy feeling for a man I resent, he who does not commit; make no sacrifice nor open his rhythmic door.

A broken record taps once more, sharing meaningless talk to himself for everyone and no one to see, about the emprisionment of his speech, his mind, his heart, slave to everybody and nobody.

This hate grows harsher as I observe this man, this corpse, continue playing with his disease, that is not real, an illness of his existence.

Yet I feel thankful of such resilience in his struggles, only so can I remain, to judge him once more.

~~ Chronic Subsistence ~~

Without a beat in my chest, my days go by so carelessly,
no smile for gossip, no concern for close 'friends'.
Within this void of a soul, I live so monotonously,
always in my own mind, always on autopilot.

Why live by this mind of ours, restrained by such poisonous vessel?
A life of intellectual misguidance, one so well thought yet so close-minded.

I need freedom, but courage lies deep in that poison I detest,
so I lie here in wait, for time to do its bidding.

~~ Wither ~~